Going through changes
by Kaname-Nakajima
Summary: after one particularly brutal fight with his brother things finally get too much for Dave and he does something really, really stupid. WARNING: Self harm


inspired by this pic www. y-gallery view/860621/ (without the spaces)

The sun beat down on the boy, slowly boring into his already red tinged flesh, burning it further with every second he spent in its unyielding gaze. Crows circled overhead, crying out harshly from time to time, the smooth movements of their wings like liquid shadows drifting through the air above him. Dave couldn't see the birds but he knew they were there, they were always there. Always breaking the sunlight from time to time, more than once said distraction had been his undoing on this regular battlefield.

Dave stood breathing heavily, his eyes quickly glancing around the barren roof top. He gripped his sword tightly in both hands, ready for next inevitable attack to come. He swallowed dryly as he waited, there it was, a slight haze of movement in his peripheral vision. Dave swung around and bought his sword up to block the strike but he wasn't strong enough to stop it completely, he got pushed back off his balance.

He was really in trouble now.

His opponent was a just a blur but Dave had seen this enough times to know what was coming next and there wasn't a damn thing he could do to stop it. A heavy combat boot slammed into his chest, sending him flying backwards and the sword slipped from his grip when he hit the concrete, sending up a few sparks as it slid across the rough surface. He hated this, being thrown around like a fucking rag doll but he hadn't once been able to avoid it by the end of a fight with this man. He tumbled across the roof for a few feet then slid a few more, the rough concrete shredding the arm of his shirt and taking off a fair amount of skin in the process.

Dave bit his lip to stop himself from making a noise, no; he wouldn't give that bastard the satisfaction. He rolled onto his stomach and started to pick himself up when the same boot slammed down onto his back, forcing him back down and holing him against the hot concrete. His face hit hard, he tasted blood in his mouth and felt the air ways of his nose start to block with matching red ooze.

"Give up." Came a cold voice from above him. The boy opened his eyes a crack, a sharp blade that caught the sun was poised in front of his face, ready to cut if its wielder didn't like his answer.

He didn't want to, everything inside of him was screaming at him to keep fighting, to shake the foot off his back and rush for his own sword that lay less than a foot out of his reach. To slash out at the man, using the skills he'd learnt over the years, to make him pay for every time he'd been kicked to the ground or thrown down the stairs. To make him pay for every cut and bruise he'd suffered, every time he'd had to lie about the marks to his school friends and the teachers alike.

He couldn't do it.

His muscles burnt, his bones ached, he was sure he even had a cracked rib or two this time. Every part of him hurt from the exertion of the fight as well as the injuries he'd suffered at the hand of his own blood, his brother. He couldn't fight on, not this time, not in this state.

The blade pressed firmly against his cheek, not quite cutting him but a touch more pressure would easily do the trick.

"I give." Dave croaked, the ache of shame in his chest adding to the rest of pains. Without a word the weight on his back lifted and there was an ever so slight breeze, Dave knew he was now alone.

He didn't move for a long minute though under the bite of the Texan sun it seemed like an hour. Every breath burnt his lungs and sent agonising pains shooting through his side. The light pelting down on him wavered for a second, Dave didn't need to look up to know it was one of the large crows that called the roof home. They were cawing loudly, laughing at him, as his pathetic display of skill, at him getting laid out so thoroughly once again.

His hand twitched slightly as pain stabbed at his side, he used it as a trigger. Ever so slowly he started to move, pulling his hands back towards his body and dragging his knees in.

A quiet noise, a whimper almost, escaped him when he pushed against the ground, his arms and back felt like they were on fire. The boy slowly got to his knees then shakily to his feet, his muscles protesting at every tiny movement. All he wanted to do was go back inside, out of the sun and have a cold shower to wash off the sweat and blood, not to mention ease the sting of his fresh sunburn.

Dave wiped the blood from his mouth and chin, his nose was still going like a god damn tap, fantastic. With a hand over his nose Dave cast his eyes across the roof, looking for his treasured Aviators, he was now rather glad they'd been knocked off during the fight, he didn't even want to think about what would have happened to them had he still been wearing them for that last brutal blow.

He stumbled slightly as he took his first step, his body seemed to have forgotten how to walk for a moment then but he recovered quickly. Once he retrieved his sunnies he didn't bother putting them on, not after that fight, he was pathetic, didn't deserve something as cool as the sunnies. Besides, knowing his brother he'll get sucker punched right in the face the moment he entered the house. The last thing he needed was for his Aviators to survive that fight only to get broken like that.

He made his way back inside and down the drop ladder to the apartment, thankfully his brother was nowhere to be seen though that didn't say much, he never saw him before an attack. He entered the kitchen and a familiar chill shot up his spine. He turned around, perched on top of the fridge was that god forsaken demon puppet Lil' Cal, staring down at him with his cold dead eyes. Dave shivered slightly but otherwise ignored him, instead he started to make his way towards the bathroom but stopped after a couple of steps. The sounds of the shower were already drifting through the house, his brother beat him to it, knowing him he wouldn't come out for another hour or so, bastard.

Instead of waiting Dave changed his mind and went for the sink. He ran the hot tap for a moment before putting his cupped hands under it, the water was already rather warm but the summer heat did that, even if he'd run the cold tap it would still come out warm for a while. Dave washed off his face then let the tap run for another few seconds, it wasn't much but revenge enough for him, he knew the water would be running freezing cold in the shower right about now, he'd sure as hell pay for it layer but it was worth it. With a sigh Dave shut the tap off and went into his bedroom, slipping on his Aviators as he walked.

The cussing from the bathroom would have been rather satisfying if not for Dave's current mood. He disappeared into his room and locked the door behind him, not that it'd do much good if his brother really wanted in. He wiped his nose on his sleeve again, the flow of blood flow was finally slowing down, good thing too, he was starting to feel a little dizzy. With a sigh Dave peeled off his sweaty clothes before changing into a pair of clean boxers.

Movement out the corner of his eye made him jump, for a moment then he thought it was his brother, already making him pay for the earlier stunt but then he realized it was just his own reflection in mirror in the back of his wardrobe.

To put it nicely, he looked like shit.

Bruises were scattered across his torso as well as a couple of thin cuts courtesy of his brother's shitty katana, not to mention the rungs of sunburn on his pale skin. He could feel one of his teeth was slightly loose and there was even large bruising starting to slowly appear over his ribs. He hoped there want any serious damage done, Bro had been especially hard on him this time and Dave had no idea why, not that it really matters now.

Dave inspected his arm, the top few layers of skin were missing but it wasn't bleeding, it would hurt like a bitch for a few days though. He resisted the urge to prod at the raw flesh but instead poked his bruised ribs a little, none of them felt broken though they still hurt like hell. Something else in the reflection caught his attention; a long row of methodical cuts in various stages of healing were visible down his left thigh.

That was his score sheet, a log of all the times he'd lost to his brother in the last three months. Dave didn't have a clue why he started it in the first place but since then it became somewhat of an obsession. He had to remind himself of his short comings, it would force him to get better.

It wasn't working, he thought he was improving for a while there but then his skill dropped off again, either that or his brother stepped it up. He started beating Dave harder, marking him much worse than usual, not to mention leaving him with injuries worse than any other time in his entire life. It was a miracle he hadn't already died in his sleep of internal bleeding or something along those lines.

Dave grabbed a shirt out the closet and pulled it on, before he reached up to the top shelf in the top of the wardrobe and found an old Converse shoe box. The box was full of various items, things he didn't want his brother to find, Dave was honestly surprised the man hadn't found it already, thank god for small miracles. Dave sat down against the wall and took a couple of items out the box, a pack of cigarettes and lighter as well as a small razorblade. About a year ago Dave had stolen one of his Brothers disposable razors, he thought it'd be useful for something, turns out it was. Three months ago he cut his thumb on the thing when he'd taken something else form the box, he took it apart and later that day started his score sheet.

He lit up a cigarette and took a long drag, coughing a little at first, he didn't smoke often, only when he was stressed or upset, it helped greatly more often than not. He licked a little moisture off his lip then took puff of smoke, it tasted strange all of a sudden, metallic. It took him a moment to realise what it was, his damn nose was still bleeding a little, now that he was aware of it he could feel the cold moisture on his lips and chin. He turned the razor over in his hand once then without hesitation he took it between his fingers and slid the blade smoothly over the skin of his thigh.

One more mark, one more loss.

Blood rolled down his leg until it reached the next cut, the scab stopped the progress of the blood for a moment before it worked its way over it and continued towards the next cut. It really shouldn't but watching the blood on its slow decent always relaxed him, more than the cigarettes ever did. Before Dave realised what he was doing there was a fresh pair of cuts just below the crook of his elbow.

"Shit." He mumbled, eyes not moving from the red trail. The cuts started to sting a little after a moment but he didn't mind in the slightest, it was almost welcome compared to the rest of his pains. He flicked the ash off the cigarette into an empty soda can sitting on the floor close by and took another long drag. Through the wall he could hear the sounds of the shower being shut off as well as the accompanying rattling of the pipes.

Fuck. Time to move.

Dave snuffed the cigarette and dropped it in the can before quickly getting up and wiping away the blood from his leg and arm with a tissue. He pulled on some pants, rolled down his sleeve and straightened his Aviators before the door opened, his brother must have a key or something, it hadn't taken him a even second to get past that lock.

"You little shit." The man hissed. He was wearing a white towel around his waist, his hair still dripping wet and looking much darker than usual. Dave thought for a moment how strange he looked without his hat and sunnies, it was a rare sight. "You fuck with my shower again, I'll kill you and I'm not even kidding."

"Get out of my room." Dave said, his voice flat, his usual mask covering his emotions in the form of the famous Strider poker face. He was still very sore from the sparring match, he couldn't deal with his Brother's shit right now, he just wanted him gone so he could have another smoke and relax, maybe even catch a nap.

"Don't talk back to me." The man was about to say something else when he stopped and frowned a little deeper. "What the fuck? Have you been smoking?"

Dave bit the inside of his lip. "No."

"You know I can tell when you're lying." Bro glanced quickly around the room and spotted the open pack of cigarettes sitting on the carpet at the entrance of the wardrobe. "For fuck sake." The man pushed Dave aside and snatched up the box.

"No, give them back!" Dave said as he made a grab for the smokes but his brother was too fast, always too fast. The man held them up, far out of Dave's reach.

"You'll regret this. You know my rules."

"But WHY!" Dave yelled, his emotions finally breaking through. He'd had enough of this, enough of living here, enough of bro, enough of getting the shit beaten out of him every other day, this was the last straw. "You smoke, why the fuck cant I!" He felt like he could almost cry he was so angry. He shouldn't be this angry, it was just a pack of smokes, he could get a hold of another one easily enough, why was it getting him so wound up? Maybe it was finally getting caught, maybe it was his brother's anger rubbing off on him or maybe he was just sick of his life.

"Because I fucking say so that's why. My house my rules, if you wanna change them then pay your part of the rent. I'm keeping these." Bro hissed, still holding the packet out of the boy's reach.

"I hate you! You're a fucking asshole!" Dave snapped and pushed past the man. He had to get away from him, he didn't care where as long as his brother was nowhere to be seen. When Dave left the room he noticed the ladder to the roof was still down, it was the perfect place to get away without leaving the building. He quickly climbed the ladder and pulled it up after him. Last thing he wanted was Bro following him up there.

Dave silently continued his trek up the stairs to the roof. When he opened the door a wave of heat hit him like an impenetrable wall and the crows scattered. There was still a small pool of coagulated blood on the concrete from the earlier sparring match as well as a smeared hand print from his attempt to get to his feet. He stood in the doorway for a moment, he was still alone, good, his brother hadn't followed him, not quite yet at least.

The sun beating down on Dave was searing hot but he didn't care about anything right now, least of all a little more sunburn. He walked to the edge of the roof and sat down, feet dangling over the edge, into the void below him. Something was digging into his hip so he felt around in his pocket and found his iphone, it must have already been in his pocket when he put the pants on, he had grabbed the closest pair after all. He found his headphones were still plugged in as well. Perfect. He put on some music, he didn't care what it was, just anything as long as it was loud.

Anything to block out the world.

He hated thinking about how fucked up his life was, he didn't want to sound like one of those idiotic, emo rappers, bitching about their mum, their wife cheating and how they're addicted to drugs but won't do a fucking thing about it. It was pathetic but this was one of those times when he just couldn't block out those kind of thoughts.

Thoughts about his parents came first, he'd never known them and his brother refused to talk about it. He had parents right? All kids did, that meant he had to as well. It's not like he appeared one day out of the blue, that's impossible. Why weren't they here now though? Did they die in a car crash or something? Or maybe they could see what an incredible failure he was even as a baby and dumped him on his brother while they travelled the world or some shit like that.

Next come thoughts of the people he actually chose to have in his life, his friends or lack thereof. Sure he had Egbert, Harley and Lalonde but how close could you really get to someone on the other side of the country? Things were almost as bad in school; they were all fake, he was only their friend because he was the cool kid, or so he led them to believe. He hated school but it was better than being here. Anything was better than being here.

Last of all were thoughts of a Brother that hated him. The mere idea of this sent pains stabbing into his chest, as much as he disliked his brother he could never hate him but it was burningly obvious how the man felt about him. Why else would he beat the snot out of him every chance he got?

Was his brother even his brother or just a guy that took him in as a baby? He didn't care about that part to be honest, it didn't change a thing, the guy was still a fucking asshole. All Dave wanted was a normal life, real friends, family that loved him, a real family, not just this douche bag with his cheap katana and scary as fuck puppets. He wanted his brother to stop hating him, out of everything else that the one thing he really needed. He could deal with only having long distance friends, he could deal with not having parents, he could even deal with never finding out what happened to said parents. But the one thing he couldn't handle was living with a guy he cared for that hated him in return.

Music pounded in his ears as he worked his way through these depressing thoughts. Everything seemed so useless, he couldn't see any way to change any of it, no matter what he did his life wouldn't stay the same piece of crap that it was now.

Dave leant forward a little, over the edge of the building, the drop was huge. They lived in one of the tallest apartment complexes in the aria, over 20 stories straight down from here. For some reason the thought of falling didn't irk him at all. He didn't like the idea of surviving it but from this height there was no chance in hell of that happening.

Dave picked up his phone and opened pester chum, Egbert was the only one online, well, idle but close enough. Not perfect but at least it was someone to talk to.

TG: you there Egbert?

TG: come on man, i really gotta talk

There was no answer, he must be AFK or something. Well, maybe it was a good thing, he didn't know what he'd been planning to say anyway. Maybe he was hoping the other boy could talk him out of the act running through his mind.

TG: i guess you're not here

TG: well it doesn't really matter to be honest i just wanted to say goodbye

TG: i aint gonna be around any more

TG: see ya

GT: Dave? Whats wrong? You're acting weird.

GT: What do you mean goodbye? Are you going somewhere?

GT: Like on holiday or something?

GT: I wish I could go on holiday this time of year haha.

GT: Make sure you bring me back a present, something really cool!

GT: So where are you going anyway?

Dave stared at the blue text still popping up on the screen. That idiot, he could never take a hint, he was still going on about holidays and shit. Dave leant forward on the ledge a little more, just another inch and he would go over, fall to his death, end everything.

TG: never mind, its nothing

TG: ill catch you later

Dave logged off and put the phone down on the concrete ledge before John could ramble some more. A couple of crows swooped past him and flew off. He was a little envious of their freedom to be honest. He wished he could just sprout wings and fly away into the distance, find a new life and never to look back, but alas, that was never going to happen, not to an unexceptional kid like him.

He sat for a moment longer before he took his headphones out and his Aviators off. He placed them next to the phone, not that it would really matter in a few moments but he didn't want them to get smashed. He got to his feet, the toes of his shoes over the edge of the roof, he brushed the hair back out of his eyes and looked down.

He felt calm, much calmer then he should have been. This would be it, no more problems, no more worries, no more depression and anger. Maybe his brother would even be happier without him constantly in his hair.

Dave closed his eyes and stepped off the edge.

His stomach dropped out as he started to fall but then he suddenly jerked to a halt, his eyes snapped open and there was a vice like grip around his wrist. He looked up, his brother was there, leaning over the edge and holding onto him tightly. Dave could see his own reflection in his brother's sunnies, himself dangling off the side of the building, nothing below him but certain death.

His heart skipped a beat and the idea of dying suddenly scared the hell out of him. He quickly looked down into the void, at that moment he felt a slight jerk and his phone fell past him, tumbling through the air towards the ground. It seemed to hang in the air for minutes though in reality it was merely a few seconds before it hit the pavement and smashed into tiny pieces. The image made Dave jump harshly and he start to breathing heavily.

No, he didn't want this, he didn't want to be just some stain on the pavement, a story of a teen tragedy in the newspaper.

He didn't want to die.

"Dave!" He looked up quickly. "Give me your hand for fuck sake, you're slipping." The boy reached up and his brother grabbed his other arm, once he had a better grip he pulled Dave up and over the edge of the roof, even with his impressive strength the man struggled a little with the task. When Dave was safe he pulled his legs away from the ledge and clung to his Bro. He was shaking like a leaf in the wind, his cool persona smashed into tiny pieces.

"Are you alright little man?" His brother said quietly, holding him tightly against his chest as if he would disappear at any given moment if he loosened his grip, even for a second.

Dave couldn't reply. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times but no words came out, just incoherent noises.

"It's ok now." Bro tightened his grip around the boy. "You're safe." Dave clung tightly to the back of the man's shirt and just let all the pain out. He started crying against his chest, not caring about how stupid he looked or sounded.

He was a teen and he was alive, it was his right let go and break down for once in his goddamn life.

"I'm sorry." He whispered shakily again and again, his face hidden in the white fabric, muffling his voice slightly. Dave couldn't even think enough to form any other words between his agonising sobs. He was genuinely terrified of the thought of what almost happened. Bro just held him close and kept telling him it was alright, gently stroking his light blond hair, all the while, trying to calm the boy down, even just a little bit.

After what seems like an eternity the tears stopped but Dave didn't dare let go of the man, he was terrified that if he did something bad would happen, he didn't know what exactly, maybe the roof would crumble away and he'd fall to his death after all.

"Do you wanna go back inside?" Dave quickly shook his head, he didn't want to move, not an inch. They stayed for a long time while the boy got it all out of his system. Dave didn't move, he leant against his brother's chest, clinging to him, his entire body still shivering from both fear and his sobbing. He didn't say anything not a word, the pair of them sat in silence, Dave not willing to talk and Bro not wanting to push him.

It seemed like an eternity before Dave finally finished sobbing. He shifted a little in his brother's strong embrace and stared off into the distance, not looking at anything in particular, just staring.

"Can you tell me what got into you?" The deep voice breaking through the almost silence made Dave jump slightly. He hesitated for a long moment before he let go of the his brother's shirt and sat up. Bro looked nothing like he usually did, his expression was soft, caring, it was the kind of expression a concerned father would have for a son that just did something really fucking stupid.

"A lot of stuff." Dave whispered. "And... I didn't... I... I thought you hated me." God. What the hell was he saying? He sounded like an idiotic child. His Brother looked shocked to say the least, angry almost.

"I don't hate you Dave. I could never hate you, you're my little brother, you know I love you." The man noticed something he hadn't earlier, Dave's sleeves were bunched around his elbows, fresh cuts and scars visible on the otherwise pale skin. The thought of his innocent little brother sitting in his room slicing his arm open sent pangs of guilt shooting through his chest.

"You're such an idiot sometimes. I may be hard on you but I don't hate you. I just want you to grow up strong and able to actually do something with your life." He ran his hand over Dave's hair once more.

"If you feel this bad again just come talk to me. Suicide is the coward's way out and cool guys like us don't ever do that shit ok? You just gotta keep your chin up, down an apple juice or some shit and get through it like a man."

That speech was so stupid Dave could almost laugh but for some reason it struck home. Bro was right, he was looking for an easy way out but not anymore, he'll stay here and deal with it, fix his problems, not run from them.

"Yeah." He wiped a little moisture off his own cheeks then gave the man a small, somewhat insecure smile.

"Good." Bro looked over the edge of the roof, small pieces of phone were visible scattered across the sidewalk. "I'll get you a new phone on Monday ok Kiddo?" Dave nodded, still not trusting his voice to stay steady. He moved away from the ledge a little bit more.

"Can I have the new model iphone?" Dave didn't even know if he was being serious or trying to make a joke and lighten the mood, a little of both maybe.

"We'll see." The man stood up, picked up Dave's Aviators from the ledge and held them out to him. Dave took them with a surprisingly steady hand and slipped them on before taking his brothers hand and letting the man pull him up to his feet.

"Go have a shower and wash up, you look like the uncoolest piece of shit in existence right now."

"Shut up, you're the one that looks like shit." Bro was right though, he both looked and felt awful. It was so strange, just like that everything was back to normal, well, as normal as it could ever get in the Strider household. The man gave him a bit of a shove in the back, sending him stumbling towards the door.

"Get a move on kiddo."

"Shuttup asshole, I'm going." Dave couldn't help but smile a little, this is the way it should be, his brother giving him a hard time whilst smiling like that.

Maybe life would be better now, well, at home at least. School would still suck balls like it did but it always would. As long as he had a decent home life to come back to he could deal with it easily enough. Dave now knew his brother loved him even though he never ever showed it and Dave was okay with that.

He knew and that's what really mattered in the end.


End file.
